Nobody Knows
by purplepagoda
Summary: The death of her partner is only the beginning of the changes that are to come in Detective Jane Rizzoli's life.
1. Real Nightmare

Jane and Maura sit in the cafe at the precinct. Maura's phone vibrates. She grabs it off the table, and pulls it to her ear.

"Isles," she answers.

"Maura it's Korsak, is Jane with you."

"Yeah, why?"

"I need you to keep her occupied for a while."

"Why?"

"Don't let her go to the squad room."

"Ok."

"I need you to distract her."

"Why?"

She hears a long pause on the line. Finally after several seconds he answers her, "There has been an accident."

"I see. She's sitting across the table from me," Maura reveals.

"Frost was in an accident on his way to work this morning. Just don't let Jane leave the building, no matter what. Ok?"

"Ok," she agrees, and hangs up the phone.

Jane looks over at her questioningly.

"Who was that?" Jane questions.

"It was Korsak."

"Why was he calling you at seven thirty in the morning?"

"He wanted to let me know that the traffic is terrible, and not to expect them on time."

"Them, who?"

"Anyone," Maura lies.

"Maura what is going on?"

"Nothing."

An hour later Jane is sitting at her desk. She looks around the room, but it's empty. Her co-workers are noticeably missing. Maura sits next to her, focused on her phone.

"Maura are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing," Maura lies.

"Maura you are a terrible liar. Just tell me what is going on."

"You know this rain we have been having is really something," Maura comments.

Jane looks out the window at the steady downpour, "Yeah, I know. It's pretty much been raining for the past three days. Why are we talking about the weather? Maura where is everyone?"

Before Maura can answer her phone rings. She looks at the number, and then looks at Jane.

"Don't go anywhere. I've got to take this."

Maura steps away. She heads into the break room, where Jane can't hear her. She puts the phone to her ear.

"Isles? Yes, Lieutenant Cavanaugh," her heart drops, as she listens to the voice on the other end of the line, "Oh. No, don't rush. I'll tell her. Yes, I'm sure. Ok, bye," she hangs up the phone. She looks up, and finds Jane standing in the doorway.

"Maura are you going to tell me what's going on, or not?"

Maura points to the chair sitting next to the table in the middle of the room.

"Have a seat."

Jane folds her arms across her chest, "I'm fine here," she remains in the doorway.

"You should sit," Maura insists.

Jane takes a seat. She looks up at Maura, "It's that bad?"

"Yeah," Maura admits, on the verge of tears, herself.

"Maura just tell me what is going on. Where is everyone?"

"Jane there has been an accident," Maura begins.

"An accident? What kind of accident?"

"A car accident."

"So there is a hold up on the bridge, or what?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"Maura what the hell is going on here? Why won't you tell me anything? Where is everybody?"

"Korsak is at the hospital."

"He was in the accident? Is he ok?"

"No, he wasn't in the accident. He's fine."

"Why is he at the hospital?"

"He is just taking care of things there."

"Things, what things? Where is everyone else?"

"The crime scene?"

"Crime scene? What crime scene?"

"The scene of the accident. It appears that it was anything but accidental."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone intentionally hit him, and pushed him into an intersection."

"What? Who? Who was in the accident?"

"Your partner," she reveals.

"I should go to the hospital, or the crime scene. Why didn't anyone call me? I should be out there helping. I should..."

Maura cuts her off, "They didn't want you at the crime scene."

"Why not?"

"They thought that it would be too hard for you to handle."

"He is my partner. They should have at least called so I could be at the hospital."

"They didn't think you should be there either."

"Why not? Was it that bad? Maura he is my partner."

"Jane," she swallows hard, "I am so sorry."

Jane shakes her head in disbelief, "No. No. Don't. Don't be sorry. Don't say it," she looks at Maura on the verge of tears.

"Jane he didn't make it."

She gasps, "No!"

Maura hugs her. Jane holds tightly to her best friend. She can't fight the tears, they stream down her face. Jane lets go, and looks at Maura.

"They're sure that it's him?"

"Yes."

"How could this happen? I don't understand. This isn't fair."

"I know."

"Why did this happen?"

"A felon who was recently paroled is responsible. Frost's testimony was responsible for putting him away."

"How did he get parole?"

"Good behavior?"

"Unbelievable. Good behavior? He killed my partner."

"I am so sorry."

"I want to see him."

"No. You can't."

"I want to see him," Jane begs.

"Jane there isn't enough left to see."

"What do you mean?"

"The gas tank ignited, and the car caught fire."


	2. The Awful Truth

Angela enters the house. Maura sits in the kitchen at nine thirty in the morning, with a bottle of wine staring up at her.

"Where is she?"

"She is the spare bedroom."

"How is she?"

"I took her gun from her," she points to the gun, and badge on the countertop in front of her.

"I see that."

"She finally cried herself to sleep."

"I just don't understand how this happened."

Maura shrugs, "I don't know. All I know is that I had to lie to her."

"What did you tell her?"

"That there was a car accident."

"Why?"

"How could I tell her the truth? How could I tell her that her partner," she trails off.

"I know."

"He was trying to leave for work, and someone came up behind him, and tried to take his car."

"Do they think that he was a random victim?"

"I don't know."

"You should go."

"I know that."

"So why are you sitting here staring at an unopened bottle of wine?"

"Because I don't want to go."

"I know, but you're the best."

"Today, I wish that I wasn't. Today I lost a colleague, and a friend. I just wish..."

"Me too."

"How was I supposed to look at my best friend, and tell her that a criminal walked up to her partner this morning, in the middle of broad daylight, and put a gun to his head, and..." she stops as the tears start to fall."

"Maybe it's better to keep her in the dark this time," Angela insists.

"She is going to wake up soon," Maura points out.

"I'll keep her here."

"How? She is going to want to find out who did this to him."

"You should probably get a head start, don't you think? She is going to have a lot of questions."

"She is going to want to know why, and I can't answer that."

"Maura just call them and tell them that you don't want to do it."

"I already told them that I would."

"They will understand, he was your colleague."

"But Jane won't."

"Are you sure about this?"

Maura nods, "I have to be."

* * *

She leaves the house, and drives slowly towards the morgue. She takes extra time to find the perfect parking space, stalling the inevitable. Finally after several moments of contemplation she enters the building. She changes into her scrubs, and heads for the autopsy room. She finds that the room is filled with people, as if they have been awaiting her arrival. Korsak stands at the head of the table. The body on her table is covered with a sheet. To Korsak's left stands Frankie. To Korsak's right, Suzy stands. Lieutenant Cavanaugh stands next to Frankie. Maura takes a spot next to Suzy. They all stare at the sheet solemnly, saying nothing. Maura pulls on her gloves. Korsak looks up.

"Sean, maybe you should leave the room," he suggests.

"He was one of my own."

"Frankie, take him with you," Korsak insists.

"I can handle it," Frankie tells him.

"I've seen him, trust me, no one needs to see him like this," Korsak reveals.

Cavanaugh nods. He looks over at Frankie. "Come on Rizzoli, we have a long week ahead of us we should go get coffee."

"Fine."

The two men leave the room. Maura walks around to the side of the table that they were just standing. She looks over at Suzy, and then turns to Korsak. Korsak clears his throat.

"I was going to pick him up this morning, his car battery died. He was just getting his badge out."

"You were first on the scene?" Maura questions.

"Yeah. Maura this wasn't a robbery gone wrong. The guy didn't take anything," he grits his teeth, "but Frost's life. he put that gun right to the back of his head, and he pulled the trigger. Judging by the side of the wound, it was a nine millimeter. It was personal."

Maura touches the sheet. Suzy looks at her.

"Are you ready?"

Maura simply nods.

* * *

Jane jerks into consciousness. She opens her eyes, and looks around the room. She lies in bed, in Maura's guest room. She lies on the middle of the bed, on top of the covers, curled into a ball. The pillow under her head is wet with tears. She finds her mother sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Where is Maura?"

"She had an errand to run."

"Ma..." Jane finds herself at a loss for words. She sits up, and looks at her mother.

Angela doesn't say anything, as she wraps her arms around her daughter. When Jane lets go she looks at her mother.

"How could this happen? He didn't even make it to his thirtieth birthday," she says as the tears fall from her eyes.

Angela feels her heart breaking for her only daughter. She wipes the tears from her eyes, "I don't know, Janey."

"It feels so surreal. I just saw him, last night, when we were leaving the precinct. He was right there. If I had know..."

Angela stops her, "You can't go down that road."

Jane's nostrils flare, "I wish that were true. I wish that I had told him how great of a partner he was to me. I wish I told him," she chokes.

"I know."

"Now he's gone. I never thought that I would wake up one morning, and he would just be gone. He is the rational, level headed one. I was the reckless one. It should be me."

"No."

"It shouldn't be him."

"I know."

"This isn't fair. None of this is fair."

"I know."

"I can't just sit here. I have to do something. I should go to the crime scene, or... did someone call his mother?"

"She's on her way."

"Is someone picking her up?"

Angela shrugs, "I don't know."


	3. Left Behind

The next couple of days drag on. Jane barely sleeps, or eats. Finally she stands behind glass of an interrogation room. She looks over at her Lieutenant.

"Please let me go in there," she begs, as she shifts her glance back to the suspect in the interrogation room.

"Jane..."

"You have to let me do this," she begs.

"Korsak is going with you."

She shakes her head, "No. I have to do this, alone. He was _my_ partner."

"Ok, but you do everything by the book."

"Fine."

She pulls the door open. She enters the room. She takes a seat at the table. She looks the perpetrator in the eyes. He sits there silently, acting smugly. She clears her throat.

"Detective Frost was my partner."

He avoids eye contact as he speaks, "I know."

"I didn't ask you a question. You can respond when I ask you a question. I know you're probably thinking that I came in here to intimidate you, or slam your head into the wall. Honestly I would like to, but I'm not going to do that. I am going to give you the chance to confess to your crimes. Ok?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Would you like to tell me what happened?"

"No."

"Listen, Jeremy, the more questions I ask the harder they're going to get. I suggest that you tell me what you did. Are you ready to tell me what happened?"

"No."

"My partner was twenty nine years old. Did you know that?"

"No, why does it matter?"

"Jeremy how old is your son?"

"Nine."

"Nine? Think about that for a minute. You are going to be sentenced to twenty to life for this. Your son will be twenty nine the next time you get to see him. I already spoke to his mother. She isn't going to bring him to see you."

"What do you care?"

"I don't."

"Then why did you bring it up?"

"Do you really want your son to grow up like you did? A single mother, with a father who is incarcerated? Huh? Is that what you want."

"What I want, it doesn't matter."

"You are going away for a long time for this. This is not your first offense."

"No district attorney is going to make a deal with a cop killer."

"So you admit that you killed him?"

"I have something that you want."

"All I want is to put you behind bars."

"I am twenty six years old. I have made a lot of mistakes. I have been in and out of jail my entire life. If you think your empty threats scare me, then you're wrong."

"Then let's talk about something else, ok?"

"What?"

"Guilt."

"Guilt?" he questions.

"I hope that the guilt eats you alive. You are going to prison either way. I hope the you have a long time to think about what you did. I hope that you feel guilty every single night for the rest of you life, knowing that you are the one that pulled that trigger. You are the one who took you away from your son for the rest of his childhood. You should feel guilty for cutting someone's life short. That detective that you killed, he never got to have the chance to get married, or have a family."

"Makes you think, doesn't it detective?"

"Excuse me?"

"The clock is ticking," he taunts her, "You never know when your time is going to run out."

"Is that a threat? Did you just threaten a cop?"

"Detective Rizzoli, this isn't about me. This wasn't about your partner, either."

"Then what was it about?"

"You. It was all about you."

"Excuse me?!"

"There are a lot of really angry men in prison. They really want to see you suffer. I just offered a creative solution. I reminded them of your loyalty. How could we inflict pain on you, if you were dead? Killing your partner would be much more painful for you, especially if you knew that you were the reason that he's lying in a morgue, on ice right now."

Jane pushes out her chair, "We're done here."

She leaves the room.

* * *

She's sitting at her desk, in silence, she chews her nails. Korsak looks over at her.

"Jane you can't believe anything that he said."

"What if he was telling the truth? What if all of this is my fault?"

"Jane it's not your fault. You didn't pull the trigger."

"What if I was the reason he's dead?"

"Jane you can't go down that road."

"I don't want to be here right now. Everything reminds me of him. I've got to go home, and clear my head."

"I am not going to let you go home, alone. I'm sorry."

"Why not?"

"I'm just not."

"Korsak stop worrying, I'll be fine."

"It is my job to worry about you."

"You're not my mother. I already have one of those."

Before he can argue any farther Jane's phone at her desk rings. She lifts the receiver.

"Rizzoli. Yes. Regarding what? Ok, sure. Thank you," she hangs up the phone.

"Who was it?" Korsak questions.

"Frost's lawyer."

"His lawyer? Why would his lawyer call you?"

"Apparently there is something in his will that she wants to discuss with me."

"Maybe you're his beneficiary."

"Why would I be his beneficiary? I am sure that his mother is his beneficiary."

"Maybe he left you something."

"Like what?"

Korsak shrugs, "I don't know. Do you want me to go with you?"

"No," she shakes herself.

"I'm not letting you drive yourself," he warns her.

"I'll take Maura. You, and my mother are smothering me."

"We have to put out the fire somehow."


	4. Darkest Hour

She swallows hard as she reaches for her hat. She takes a deep breath, and takes a look at herself in the mirror. She stands there in full uniform. She looks at the phone lying on the bathroom counter. She reaches out knowing that Maura will be at her door any minute to pick her up. She unlocks the screen, and begins to dial. The party on the other end answers after the first ring. Jane sighs.

"Hello?" Maura answers.

"I can't do this. I'm not going."

"Jane," Maura tries to reason, "You have to go."

"Maura you don't understand. I can't do this."

"Jane I am already parked outside. I'm on my way up."

Jane hangs up the phone. She leaves the bathroom. She heads into the living room. She throws a passing glance at the gun and badge lying on the coffee table as she approaches the door. She unlocks the door, and pulls it open. Maura enters the apartment, looking impeccable. Not a single hair is out of place. She wears a navy blue dress, and matching heels. Jane turns, and heads for the coffee table. She secures her gun, and badge in their designated places. She looks at Maura.

"Jane you can do this."

Jane shakes her head, and clenches her jaw, "But I don't want to."

"You will regret it if you don't. He was your partner. You need to be there."

Her nostrils flare, and it takes every fiber of her being not to shed a tear, "I still need him, here."

"Jane, come on. We're going to be late."

Jane nods in agreement.

Hours later Jane realizes that she has successfully managed to make it through the service. People begin to rise from the pews. Maura looks over at Jane, as she heads to the end of the aisle.

"Where are you going?" Maura questions in a hushed tone.

Jane doesn't answer. She joins her brothers, former partners, and a couple other members of Boston P.D. at the front of the room. She takes a deep breath. The room falls silent, as the group takes their positions. Maura watches in disbelief as Jane stands at the front of the group. She stands tall, and stiff. Her uniform is neatly pressed, and her unruly hair is tamed into a hairdo underneath her cap. She takes a deep breath, and doesn't shed a tear as she and the other pall bearers lift the closed casket of it's surface. Angela stands next to Maura. She squeezes Maura's hand, as they watch Jane lead the group of pallbearers out of the room.

Across town at the graveside not a peep is heard as the same group of pallbearers carries the casket from the hearse. The pastor says a few more words. He turns to Jane. She swallows hard, and clears her throat. All eyes fall on her as she begins to speak.

"This man was my partner, he was my friend. He was a good man, and I couldn't have asked for a better partner. He always had my back. He will be missed."

A couple of hours later after a stop off at The Dirty Robber, and a few drinks later Maura takes Jane home. Maura stands in front of the closed door. Jane tosses her gun, badge, and phone onto the coffee table, and heads to the fridge for another beer.

"Jane why don't you just come with me?"

"Where?"

"You can stay with me."

"I don't want to stay with you. I want to stay here."

"Then I should stay."

"Maura I don't need a babysitter. Ok?"

"I would feel better if you weren't alone."

Jane shakes her head, as she tosses the cap to the bottle into the trashcan. "Nothing is going to make me feel better."

"That is certainly not reassuring."

"Maura go home. I want to be alone."

"And that is what scares me."

"I am not going to do anything stupid. I just need to be alone, ok?"

"Please let me stay."

"Maura go home. I am going to have a few more beers, and I'm going to go to sleep."

"And what are you going to do tomorrow?"

Jane shrugs, "I don't know. I don't know why Cavanaugh made me take the day off."

"Because you just buried your partner."

"I need to work."

"Jane..."

"Please," Jane begs with dark eyes.

Maura sees the pain in her eyes. She nods, respecting Jane's wishes. "Ok, but call me if you need me."

"Ok," she agrees.

Jane locks the door behind her. She finishes her beer, and grabs another. She kicks off her shoes, and tosses her hat on the kitchen counter. She takes a seat on the couch. She doesn't even bother to change out of her uniform. She finds a picture lying on her coffee table. She stares at it, in disbelief. Up until the other day it had been stuffed in a box full of pictures that she hadn't looked at in ages. She takes another swig of her drink, and studies the picture. It's a picture of herself, and Frost at The Dirty Robber.

"Why? Why did you leave me? It wasn't time for you to go," she says on the verge of tears as she stares at his face. "Why? Can you just tell me why? Dammit!"

She throws the picture back onto the coffee table. She gets off the couch and returns to the fridge. She pulls out the rest of the six pack. She peers into the fridge. It's mostly empty except for some leftover pizza, and alcohol. She looks at the beer in the crook of her arm, and then back to the fridge. She reaches past the box of pizza to the back. She pulls out the bottle of tequila. She stares at the bottle. It's unopened, despite the fact that she has had it for years. She doesn't usually drink tequila. In fact she really doesn't care for it, but a few years ago Frost brought it back for her from Mexico when he went on vacation.

Hours later the coffee table is full of empty beer bottles, and a half drank bottle of tequila. In the middle is the picture. It lies next to her badge, and her gun. She leans forward, and takes the badge off the table. She looks at her shield, and the only thing she can feel is anger. She takes it, and chucks it across the room, it hits the wall, and falls to the floor. She reaches for the gun. She holds the loaded gun in her hand. She looks at the barrel. She feels angry. She feels anguish. She feels guilt. Most of all she feels responsible. She cocks the gun she swallows hard, and presses her head. She closes her eyes, and she sees her partner's face. In the next instant she sees her mother's face. She recalls the look she saw on her face earlier in the day. Her hand shakes, and she opens her eyes. She takes the clip out of the gun. She tosses it onto the coffee table. She removes the bullet from the chamber. She holds it in the palm of her hand, thinking about how one of these can change so many lives.


	5. Mourning Sickness

The next weeks consist of Jane pushing her loved ones further, and further away. She barely talks to anyone, unless it's regarding a case. She doesn't speak his name. No one sits at his empty desk, despite the fact that Korsak has been reassigned as her partner. A month to the day they buried him she calls in sick.

Maura stands outside the door of Jane's apartment. She reaches into her purse, and pulls out a key, the one that Angela has given her. She puts the key into the lock. She pushes the door open, and enters the apartment, as if it's a crime scene. Her breathing is shallow as she enters. She closes the door behind her. She slowly makes her way towards the couch. Jane lies there, with her eyes close.

In her heels, and dress, Maura squats down, next to the couch. She places her finger on Jane's neck to check for a pulse. Fingers wrap around her wrist. She finds a pair of dark eyes staring at her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jane breathes.

"Um..." she struggles to come up with an answer.

"Were you just checking for a pulse?"

"I was worried when you called in sick."

"You could have called," Jane tells her.

"I did, and you didn't answer."

"My phone is turned off."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to talk to anyone."

"Jane you had me worried. I was afraid that..." Maura trails off.

"That what?"

"The funeral was a month ago, today," Maura explains.

"I know."

"And I was just afraid that you did something..."

Jane cuts her off, "Maura I didn't do anything. I wouldn't. I couldn't."

"How do I know that?"

"Because you know me."

"Jane you don't talk to me. Lately I don't know who you are. I don't know what you are capable of. You just lost your partner, and you are grieving. Grief makes people do things they normally never would."

"I called of because I'm actually sick."

"Oh?"

"So can you just go?"

"Maybe I should stay, and..."

Jane cuts her off, "Or maybe you should just leave me alone. I am not any fun to be around when I'm sick."

"What's wrong with you?"

"I feel like I'm dying."

"That is not very specific. What are your symptoms?"

"I have a highly contagious brain amoeba. You should probably go before you contract it."

"What is really wrong?"

"I think that I have the flu. Ok?"

"That is why you are laying on the couch in your pajamas at eight o'clock in the morning?"

"First of all that isn't a crime, and second of all shouldn't you be at work?"

"I was on my way from a crime scene."

"Don't let me stop you."

"You must really be sick."

"I just told you that I was."

"I know."

"You didn't believe me?"

"I do now. You didn't ask me anything about the case. You didn't shove me out of the way so that you could get dressed, and come help."

"I am sick. I am not going anywhere."

"You really are sick."

"Please just go to work."

"Are you sure that you don't want me to stay?"

"I'll be fine."

"Jane what is going on with you?"

"I told you, I'm sick."

"That isn't what I mean. You have been so quiet, and distant lately. I am worried about you."

"I will be fine."

"I wish that you would talk to me."

"I talk to you every single day."

"About what happened," Maura clarifies.

"I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to think about it."

"You don't have much of a choice," Maura reminds her.

"Don't you think that I know that? Every single day I come to work, and I look at his desk, and I realize that he isn't there. Every morning I pray that when I wake up all of this will be a terrible nightmare. I want nothing more than to walk into that squad room, and see my partner. I just wish I could go back, and prevent all of this from happening."

"But you can't. You can't change history. You can't bring him back."

"That doesn't stop me from wishing that I could."

"Have you talked to Casey recently?"

"He's busy."

"You're pushing him away," Maura points out.

"Right now, I just want to be alone."

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

Jane nods, "Lock the door on your way out."

Maura nods, "You'll go to the doctor if I leave?"

"Sure."

"Jane."

"I will try," she offers.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow right?"

"Not if I have a brain eating amoeba."

"Drink lots of fluids, and get plenty of rest," Maura preaches from the doorway.

"Will do," Jane agrees.

Maura locks the door, and close it behind her. Jane listens to Maura's footsteps grow further, and further away. Once she is certain that she is gone she sits up. She reaches behind the cushion on the couch. She pulls out the object that she's been hiding. She holds it in her hands. The light above her head glares off the object. She swallows hard, contemplating her fate.


	6. Inheritance

_ She sits in an office, in a leather chair, across a mahogany desk from a lawyer. She stares at him in utter disbelief._

_"He wanted to leave me what?"_

_"Fifty percent of his settlement."_

_"I understand that. I don't want it. I don't deserve it."_

_"You understand why he wanted to leave it to you."_

_"Is it legal to leave that to someone?"_

_"The settlement money?" the lawyer questions._

_Jane shakes her head, "No, the other thing."_

_"Yes."_

_"Why would he want to leave me that?"_

_"He wrote a letter for you with the details."_

* * *

She reaches for the image resting on her coffee table. She places the object in her hands in it's place. She studies the picture of herself, and her partner. She shakes her head, and tries to understand.

"Why would you want to leave me this? I don't understand. I have read the letter a hundred times, and I still don't get it. Why me. Why is this what you wanted to leave me?" She looks at the coffee table. She stares at the object. She knows that it has the power to change her entire life, if she lets it.

"This isn't how I pictured things turning out," she admits to her empty apartment.

She places the picture on the coffee table next to the object. She removes the object from the table. She heads into the kitchen, and throws it into the garbage. She goes to her room, and grabs some clean clothes. She takes the clean clothes into the bathroom, and turns on the shower.

When she exits the shower she quickly dries off, and gets dressed. She doesn't bother to dry her hair. She pulls it into a bun. She brushes her teeth, and leaves the room. She grabs her keys, and leaves the apartment. She climbs into her car with a mission. Twenty minutes later she finds herself sitting outside of the cemetery. She stares out the passenger's side window, trying to get up enough courage to leave her car. Finally she takes the key out of the ignition, and exits the car.

She walks slowly, and purposefully down the sidewalk. She counts the steps to her destination. She looks at the pile of dirt before her. It's still fresh, even though it has been a month since his burial. She takes a step forward, and does her best to choke back tears as she stares at his headstone. She looks up at the sky, unsure who to talk to.

The sky is cloudy, and it looks grey, and angry. It looks the way she feels. It's as if either one could unleash a storm at any moment. She turns her attention to the task at hand. She traces the letters of his name that are engraved in the stone with her fingers. She squats in front of the headstone.

"Frost I don't know if I can ever forgive you for leaving me so soon. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself, knowing that I may have been a reason behind your departure. I can't make sense of it. What am I supposed to do now? My partner is gone. My friend..." she trails off. She can't keep the tears away any longer, they begin to trail down her face, "Barry I found what you left me. I don't know what you expected me to do with it. I don't know why you wanted me to have it. I don't understand."

* * *

She returns home to wallow on her couch, in solitude. She has managed to drift off to sleep, when someone starts knocking on her door. She jerks into consciousness. She takes a deep breath, and rises from the couch. She goes to the door, and looks out the peep hole. She identifies the party on the other side of the door, and then looks down at her watch. She realizes that she's been asleep for hours. She unchains, and unlocks the door. She pulls it open.

"Ma what are you doing here in the middle of the day?"

"I brought you soup."

"I'm not hungry."

"Maura said that you were sick," Angela pushes her way into the apartment.

"I am."

"Jane you don't have to lie to me. I know that this has been a really tough time for you. It's been a tough time for all of us. If you needed to take the day to be alone I understand that."

"I took the day off because I'm sick," Jane insists.

"Sick with what?"

"I have Ebola," she answers.

"You do not have Ebola. What is really wrong with you?"

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I am on lunch."

"You should get back to the precinct before Stanley has a conniption."

"I just wanted to check and makes sure that you're okay."

"I will survive."

"Do you want me to stay? I can stay and take care of you."

"Ma, I am an adult I can take care of myself."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, feel better," Angela insists.

"Thanks for the soup, ma."

"It's chicken noodle," Angela reveals as she heads for the door.

Jane takes the bowl of soup from her. Angela leaves the apartment. Jane locks the door behind her. She carries the tupperware container into the kitchen. She sits it on the counter. She hasn't eaten all day, and chicken soup doesn't sound too bad. She peels off the lid, and stares at the contents of the bowl. Her stomach does a back flip. She races to the bathroom.

When she returns to the kitchen from her excursion to the bathroom she dumps the soup down the drain. She flips on the garbage disposal, and gets rid of the evidence. She rinses the bowl, and heads over to the fridge. She grabs out a bottle of water, and leans against the counter. Her gun sits innocently on the counter. The gun is loaded. She swallows hard thinking about her darkest moments after her partner's funeral. She pulls the drawer open, and sticks it inside.

After what happened all she can think about is the sound of gunshots. Gunshots, and blood. Something that she sees every single day of her life. Now it is personal. And, until today losing her partner to a metal object wielded by a desperate criminal was the first thing on her mind when she woke up.

She goes over to the trashcan. She looks inside at the souvenir Frost has left her. She reaches inside, and removes it. Luckily it is the only thing inside. Maybe she could understand. He was trying to give her a way to move on. He knew her better than most. He knew she would need something to remind her that there is more to life than her job. She stares at the object in her hands, and for a moment she doesn't miss him so much.


	7. Among The Darkness

Maura enters the morgue. Despite the hum of the refrigerated units the room is mostly quiet. She has yet to receive her daily call summoning her to the scene of a gruesome homicide. She nearly jumps out of her skin as she flips on the light, and finds a dark pair of eyes staring at her.. Jane sits on the edge of her exam table. Maura furrows her brow.

"What are you doing in here?" She is able to ask after regaining her composure.

"I just needed a quiet place to think."

"What is wrong with your apartment?"

"Nothing."

"Are you feeling any better than you did yesterday?"

"Not even a little bit."

"So then why are you here?"

"Because the show must go on."

"Jane why are you sitting on the autopsy table?"

"I was waiting on you."

"You could have waited in my office."

"I know."

"The people who are usually on that table don't move."

"I didn't mean to scare you."

"I get the feeling that you want to talk to me about something."

"Maura I don't know how I am supposed to move on."

"I can't answer that Jane."

"You don't have some scientific research to quote me, or some statistics to refer to?"

"No. Everyone has a different way of grieving."

"He was my partner. I never for a second doubted that he had my back."

"I know."

"It doesn't feel the same without him."

"No, it doesn't."

"I miss all of the annoying things that he used to do. I just miss him. I knew that this could happen..." she trails off.

"But?"

"I never expected that he would be the one who went first. He was careful, and meticulous. He was cool, and collected. I always thought my temper would get me killed. Some days," she swallows the lump in her throat, "I wish that it was me."

Maura shakes her head, "Don't say that."

"I need to tell you something," she admits.

"I'm listening."

"The day that we buried him I got really drunk. After you left me I just kept drinking. I kept hoping that I could make the pain go away."

"Did it work?"

"No. The more I drank the worse I felt. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was angry at the world. I wanted my partner back. I just..." she trails off.

"You what?"

"I couldn't imagine going to work and not seeing him there. I guess you never realize what someone means to you until they aren't there anymore."

"Jane where is this coming from?"

"I didn't want to do it."

"Do what?" Maura cocks an eyebrow.

"I didn't want to have to come to work, and not have him there. I didn't want to face the fact that he was never, ever coming back. I didn't want to have to face you, and everyone else. You all looked at me with such pity, and I didn't want that."

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"I just," the tears fall from her eyes, and begin down her cheeks, "I just didn't want to have to face another crime scene, without my partner."

"What about Korsak?"

"Korsak is a great guy. He is a good cop."

"He's your partner."

"It's not the same."

"He has known you for a long time."

"It doesn't matter. I still knew someone was missing."

"Jane where is this going?"

"I don't know exactly how much I had to drink, I just know that it was too much."

"What did you do?"

"I guess that is why I came down here this morning. I wanted to know."

"Know what?"

"What your face would be like, to see me on this table."

"Jane! Why would you want to know? Why would you want to put that image in my head?"

"That night I put my gun to my head, and..." she trails off.

"What?!"

"But then I saw my mother's face, and I couldn't do it. I thought about my family. I thought about all of your faces at his funeral, and I knew that I could never do that. But it didn't stop me from wanting to."

"Jane you should have let me stay. You could have called. Why didn't you call?"

"Because I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to see me like that."

"So why are you telling me now?" Maura quizzes.

"It has been a month. I keep thinking that one day I'll wake up, and I won't miss him. I keep hoping one day I won't notice that he is gone, but I know that is never going to happen. Just like I know that I could never have pulled that trigger."

"Jane you can't drink like that anymore. You can't allow yourself to dig yourself a hole that deep."

"Maura in case you haven't noticed, I haven't had a drink since that day. I refuse to ever feel like that again."

"So you're never going to drink again?"

"I won't say never, but not for the foreseeable future. I don't like the feeling of not being in control. That night I was drinking to lose it, and that was a bad choice."

"Jane you need to talk to someone," Maura suggests.

"I am talking to you."

"A professional."

"No."

"Jane you just admitted to me that you nearly committed suicide. You have to talk to somebody."

"Maura I would never do that."

"But you considered it," she argues.

"Things change."

"In a month?"

"You have no idea."

"Explain it to me," Maura begs.

"Everything has changed."

"Everything? How would I know that? You shut me out. You shut everyone out. You won't say what's on your mind. It's like you just shut down."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Why are you pushing Casey away?"

"It's complicated."

"Were you in love with Frost?"

"No."

"Then why are you pushing Casey away? He could be someone for you to lean on, so why aren't you?"


	8. Piece Of The Past

Jane looks Maura in the eye. She takes a deep breath, and begins to explain, "Maura the drinking is not where the stupidity ended."

"What else did you do?"

"I'm pregnant."

Maura's jaw nearly comes unhinged as it gapes open. "Excuse me?"

"I'm pregnant," Jane repeats.

"I heard you, I just don't understand."

"It's complicated."

"Did you go have drunk, sloppy sex with someone? You decided that you didn't want to be alone so you decided to go out, and..."

Jane cuts her off, "Since when do you jump to conclusions?"

"Is there another explanation?"

"Yes."

"I am listening."

"It's more sinister than the theory you have."

"Sinister how?"

"It was deliberate."

Maura stares at her best friend. Jane doesn't crack a smile. Her expression doesn't change as her eyes remain locked on Maura.

"What do you mean it was deliberate?"

"I was trying to get pregnant. I didn't think that I would be successful on the first attempt."

Maura rubs her temples. "Let me get this straight, after a night of heavy drinking you decided that you wanted to get pregnant? Why? You didn't want to be alone anymore? Jane this is by far the..."

Jane cuts her off, "I know, it is the dumbest thing I have ever done."

Maura corrects her, "I was going to say reckless."

"Oh."

"How did this happen? You left your apartment, and jumped into bed with the first man that you saw?"

"No."

"So you called someone up, and had them come over, and..."

Jane cuts her off, "No. That isn't what happened at all."

"So what did happen?"

"It was a far more controlled situation than what you think."

"You were drunk."

"No, I wasn't."

"You just admitted that you drank too much. Last time I checked that was the definition of drunk."

"I was hung-over."

"So you got pregnant the following day? You chose to get pregnant when you were in a somewhat clear state of mind?"

"I wouldn't say that I was in a clear state of mind."

"How did this happen? Who is the father? Jane do I need to remind you that you don't even want kids?"

"I know."

"So what are you going to do?"

She furrows her brow, "What do you mean?"

"What are you going to do about being pregnant?"

"I am going to have a baby."

"You're going to keep it?"

"Yes," she nods in confirmation.

"Do you even know who the father is?"

"Yes."

"What does he have to say about this? What am I saying, you probably haven't even told him."

"It would be incredibly difficult to tell him."

"Is it Casey?"

"No."

"Jane how did this happen? Why would you want to get pregnant? You have never wanted to have kids. Why would you intentionally get pregnant?"

"I miss my partner."

"Jane you can't replace him with a baby. You can't have a baby, and think that is going to make you feel his loss any less than you do. A baby is a permanent thing. You can't fill Frost's void with a baby."

"Maura you don't understand."

She shakes her head, and puts her hands on her hip, "You're right I don't understand. Why would you choose to get pregnant when you have never wanted a child?"

"It is complicated," she admits on the verge of tears.

"How complicated can it be?"

She swallows hard, "As complicated as it gets."

"Why are you doing this to yourself? You work as much as I do. You are a single, female, homicide detective. You do not have the time to devote to a child. You don't have the resources, or even the desire to be someone's parent."

"I want _this_ baby," a single tear begins it's descent down her cheek.

"Why this baby? Why now?"

"I can't replace my partner. I can't bring him back. The only thing I can do is honor his memory."

"How does you having a baby honor his memory?"

"Do you remember the case that we worked where the woman was killed, and you saved the baby?"

"The nurse from the fertility clinic was responsible, yes, why are you bringing it up?"

"She thought that Frost and I were a couple."

"That is ridiculous."

"I agree, but before we could tell her who we were she told us that we would make beautiful babies, together."

"So that has inspired you to become a single mother?"

"No, that is not what inspired me."

"So what was the catalyst to make you decide this?"

"What Frost left me in his will."

"What did he leave you?"

"A piece of him."

"A piece of him? You mean like his watch?"

She shakes her head, "The one time I mean something literally you assume that it figurative."

"It usually is. You get on my case for taking everything so literally."

"I meant it literally this time."

"He left you a piece of him? What does that mean?"


	9. Petrified

"Frost was always far more organized than I was."

"You are saying that he had thought about what would happen if he died, prematurely? He put thought into planning what would happen in the event of his departure."

"Yes," she nods.

"So what did he leave you?"

"His sperm."

Maura nearly chokes, "What?!"

"I am not going to repeat that."

"Why? You two were not romantically involved, were you?"

"No."

"So why would he leave you his sperm?"

"Was the nurse wrong?"

"About the two of you making beautiful babies? With your bone structure, and..."

Jane cuts her off, "I don't need an analysis. A simple yes or no will do."

"I don't think that she was wrong."

"He was my partner. We trusted each other with our lives."

"Obviously he trusted you with more than his life."

"Obviously," Jane agrees.

"How can you already be pregnant? Your doctor would have insisted on running numerous tests before allowing you to be inseminated."

"I explained the situation to him."

"I don't buy it."

"And, I signed a waiver releasing him of any responsibility."

"You did what?!"

"Maura I know how completely insane all of this sounds."

"You should be committed right now."

"I acted hastily. I was hung-over, I wasn't thinking clearly."

"Jane what do you want me to do? You made your choice."

"I know."

"Are you sure that you're pregnant?"

"Yes," Jane grits her teeth.

"How certain?"

"My doctor confirmed the pregnancy yesterday."

"You really expect me to believe that you were successfully impregnated on the first attempt?"

"Yes."

"Or, is this just an elaborate story?"

"No."

"This isn't something that you have made up, just to see what my reaction would be?"

"Maura you are my best friend. This isn't a story. I am freaking out. I just need your support. You are the first person that I've told. I didn't know who else to come to."

"You're serious?"

Jane reaches into the inside pocket of her jacket. She pulls out a piece of folded paper. She hands it to Maura. Maura looks at the piece of paper which is folded in half. She exhales, and unfolds the picture. She looks at the black, and white image with Jane's name, and information written across the top. Maura looks up at her Jane. For the first time she sees the look of panic. Maura's scowl quickly dissipates as her lips creep into a smile. She reaches forward, and hugs Jane tightly.

"You're going to have a baby!" She shrieks.

"And I am scared to death," Jane adds.

"Your mother is going to be..."

"She is going to kill me."

"Why?"

"For so many reasons. I wouldn't know where to start."

"She is going to be thrilled," Maura insists.

"She is going to be angry that I told you first."

"She doesn't have to know."

"Really? You think that you can keep it a secret?"

Maura carefully ponders this, "I can try."  
"It would be a first," Jane reminds her.

"Not a first," Maura reveals.

"Besides, she is going to be completely pissed that I am having a baby out of wedlock."

"She was thrilled about T.J."

"That is different. I am held to far different standards than Tommy has ever been. Not to mention that T.J. was not planned. I intentionally got pregnant out of wedlock."

"With Frost's baby."

"My mother is a little old fashioned, I don't know how well the fact that I was artificially inseminated will go over with her."

"She will get over it."

"I am not entirely sure how she is going to react. There are so many elements about this whole thing that she isn't going to agree with. I was artificially inseminated in an intentional effort to get pregnant, out of wedlock, with a child of mixed race."

"Jane she isn't going to care. None of it is going to matter. She will just be happy that she is going to have a grandchild."

"I hope that is the case."

"You're nervous about telling her?" Maura probes.

"Yeah."

"When are you going to tell her?"

"Not now. I want to wait a while."

Maura eyes her suspiciously, "Define a while."

"I don't want to tell her until I know that everything is going to be okay. It is still early, and I don't want to have to have the conversation, and then have something happen."

"How long?"

Jane breaks eye contact, "I was thinking that I would wait until the end of the first trimester."

"That is never going to work," Maura insists.

"Maura you can't tell her."

"I won't."

"Then why do you think that it won't work?"

"Because your mother will figure it out before then. There is no way that you are going to be able to keep it from her for that long."

"Why not? I won't be showing for a while, and..."

"You would be surprised."

"Maura, I am just not ready to tell her, or anyone else right now, for that matter."

"Okay," Maura nods in agreement, "your secret is safe with me."


End file.
